Well...If I'm being honest this post was my most difficult one to compose. You see...talking about my struggles is much more difficult than the glowing, smiling social media posts that adorn my Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. It's hard to be real.
But the truth is...Every single step of my Teacher of the Year journey has been filled with fear, uncertainty, anxiety, self-doubt, and even full blown panic attacks at times.
Anxiety is a demon I have wrestled with for most of my life in some form or fashion and has been my most prominent struggle in adulthood. There are times it's controlled and times it's grabbing me by the throat and not letting me breathe. Regardless it's my go-to excuse as to why I cannot accomplish great things.
I recall sitting in the auditorium during our welcome back faculty gathering and our district teacher of the year stepped onto the stage to give her speech. I recall very vividly thinking "How cool is that...But I could never be able to do something as brave as that."
6 years later (this past August) I was the one stepping onto that stage to give my speech as district teacher of the year.
The months leading up to this were completely filled with sleepless nights, relentless rehearsing of my speech, obsessive TED-talk watching, and sheet doubt that I would not literally pass out on that stage. As I stood off to the side waiting to be introduced I literally dug my fingernails into my arm so hard that I have permanent scars left behind. Moments before I spoke I could feel that all too familiar feeling of fear bubbling up and about to take over. However...as I began to speak...something changed. I felt powerful....and calm...and in control. It was one of the most exhilarating moments I can recall. And as I stepped off that stage I felt the most insane sense of relief that I was DONE with my big Teacher of the Year responsibilities.
Well. I wasn't done. My journey continued over the next few weeks until I was announced as the state teacher of the year in late September. And THAT is when the true, overwhelming, sheer panic set in. I was going to be put into all sorts of new situations and would be the face...the voice...of an entire state of educators. The task was just too big for me and I was convinced I could not do it. My anxiety would not let me do it.
Yet. I did.
Each new step...each new meeting...each new situation... I survived. I may have been shaky and sweaty but I survived.
And amazingly enough every time I accomplished something new...the next thing was not so scary.
I was changing.
However...as my first big ATOY trip approached....I began down that familiar spiral of self-doubt. I was convinced that I would panic on the airplane, that I would get lost, that I would lose an important piece of paper at the airport, that my luggage would get lost, the plane would crash, no one would talk to me, etc. I could literally fill an entire page of fears I had built up. I would be placed into seriously challenging situations and new experiences....flying for the first time...maneuvering the airport...finding transportation...teaching in front of strangers....sharing my thoughts with others...being the voice of my state...being on my own.
However....I did it. I did them all. I flew on 4 planes through 3 airports...took 4 Lyfts...meet an entire nation of teachers...spoke from my heart...made new friends and I survived each new or challenging experience. Again...I may have been sweaty and shaky but I tackled each new experience.
But what I was most fearful of was that I would show up at this big meeting with all these amazing educators from across the country and they would look at me and think...
"What in the hell is she doing here?"
I was absolutely certain everyone would see exactly what I had felt since September..."Well...they sure picked the wrong chick for Arkansas. This cannot be the person they want as their voice."
Self-doubt could have easily been tattooed across my face.
But...then as I sat down for my first session...our presenter shared that every single person in the room was having those same thoughts and doubts. And as she spoke I looked around the room and could see the truth resonating in so many other's eyes. I wasn't the only one doubting their place in this room. Many of us were. And it would be our jobs over the next few days to prove ourselves that we were deserving of our titles and that we did deserve a seat at the state teacher of the year table.
And so...over the next few days...I found my voice. I felt validation from others. I found confidence I didn't know existed in me.
Each and every step gave me something to build upon...something to cling to. Each step changed me just a teensy bit.
And as I stepped off the plane coming home, I knew I would go forward in this journey with a different self-talk...a different expectation...and a whole new support team behind me.
I accomplished so many silly, small things during my trip to Google that used to feel like such huge things that I could "never do."
All those small things are just that...small. My once HUGE fear of speaking in front of my district now seems like such a tiny feat now. At the time...it was the greatest thing imaginable for me to accomplish. And looking back...it was the pivotal moment in which I began to find my voice.
Anxiety will always be a burden that goes along with me on every journey I take...however...as my journey get bigger and greater than I could've ever imagined...fear and anxiety seem to be getting smaller and smaller.
And honestly...I have no clue what all lies in my year ahead...but I do know one thing for sure...I can accomplish great things and will continue to grow and change and learn.
For I am...Randi House, the 2018 Arkansas Teacher of the Year
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